Guilty Pleasure

        I tried to keep myself from smiling. I sunk myself in all the grief and sorrow, not 'cause I wanted to but 'cause I dint feel anything else. All emotions slowly left me, one after the other. I was left with 2 friends: Depression and Anxiety. They were my companions. I was comfortable feeling nothing. Nothing but pain. 

When one day, I heard a knock at my door.

"Who is it?", I asked.
"Smile", said a beautiful voice.
"Go away", I said. 
"Smile has left. But can I come in?", said an even sweeter voice.
"Who are you?", I asked.
"I'm happiness", came a response.
"No. Please leave.", I yelled.

        I never heard any voices after that, for a really long time. But the knocking never stopped. It only got louder and louder, until one day the door developed cracks. Finally, the knocking had stopped and I very conveniently, swam in all my tears. Slowly, the tears started to drain out. It was happiness again, sneaking in through the cracks of the door. No matter how much I resisted, it had successfully made it's way into my life.

        I started to smile. I felt horrible for smiling. "How could I? I'm supposed to be sad.", I thought to myself. Even before my smile that barely lasted 2 seconds had started to fade, I could sense a countless number of judgmental eyes on me. "How could she smile? She is supposed to be sad.", they all echoed in chorus. 

I felt all the more miserable. 

This time, I shut the door harder and broke up with Smile. 

        But Happiness wouldn't give up, it sneaked in again. Only this time, it bought Sense and Maturity along. After talking some Sense into me, Maturity explained to me how good/bad things happen to people and just like feeling good momentarily doesn't mean one will never cry, similarly, crying your eyes out when something bad happens doesn't mean one is not entitled to laugh. And that it's okay to feel more than one emotions at once. Also, what "people" think about you should not govern your emotions. You just feel what you feel, there's absolutely no logic to it. 

         I felt less miserable after my conversation with Maturity. I hugged Happiness and patched up with Smile. 
I'm smiling, but I'm not happy. I know I'm going to be the happiest someday and I also know that things will be better. I'm sure Depression and Anxiety might come visit me once in a while and I'm okay with that. I will never forget how they stood by me when no other emotion did, they made me feel alive 'cause that was all I felt at one point. 

         I'm still smiling as I write this, but that hasn't lessened my pain even a bit. The world sees what I choose to show and the rest, it only assumes. I don't know why the world finds a necessity to have an opinion about something that does not directly or indirectly affect them in any way. But I've learnt not to care. Well, to be more honest, I've learnt to care less and let me tell you, it feels a lot better.

Happy Judging, World! If having an opinion about my life makes you happy, then go ahead. 

Smiling is my guilty pleasure. 
What's your's? :)